by Nicholas Klar, author of “My mother is a Tractor”
Kancho. The very mention sends English teachers scurrying to the nearest wall, their hands linked defiantly around their crotch in a last-ditch measure of defence, albeit often in futility. Every year jumbo-loads of English teachers are disgorged into their home airports, walking like John Wayne, and telling of the horrors of kancho. Yet, little is mentioned in Japanese media. What is kancho and how did it reach such apparently plague proportions?
According to Takipedia, the kancho attack (浣腸) is, “a mild form of ritualistic sexual battery used by Japanese children to capture an adult’s absolute and undivided attention.” With folded hands and stiff extended fingers the kancho attack is executed byvigorously thrusting upward into the anal area. Other orifices may also be assaulted if the aforementioned are not readily accessible.
In Japan the kancho attack has traditionally been a method of “turning short stature from a disadvantage into a deadly advantage.” Therefore, those commonly responsible for perpetuating attacks tend to herald from chugakko, shogakko and even, yochien levels. Freed from their parents’ constrictions, and often poorly supervised during English class, they take out their frustrations and boredom, sometimes attacking in wave after wave.
A single kancho attack will rarely last longer than the blink of an eye. Yet sadly, usually in the case of those who have lost the will, strength or inclination to defend themselves, attacks can last much longer. Reports have flooded in, ignored by Japanese media, that organized, sustained kancho attacks, “may last hours, days, or even weeks – sometimes consisting of dozens of sorties” from gangs of lurking urchins.
Wounded and psychologically scarred ex-teachers are often forced to struggle against the skeptical medical systems of their home nations that refuse to believe that such practices occur in a nation like Japan – leaving sufferers suspended in a netherworld.
Violence towards the anal regions of foreign teachers appears to have a long-standing place in Japanese society. One can even find kancho simulation games in some seedier establishments. It is obviously a learned art, as an attacker must not only utilize stealth but also careful aim because “a misplaced kancho could result in bent-finger syndrome or worse.” It also gives the intended victim a chance to retaliate as one will have otherwise lost the element of surprise.
The mantra must be, always and forever, “Watch your back.”
Editor’s note: While kancho is an actual problem, the author has not undertaken a factually accurate report.